I spend as much time on my bike as I can without foregoing my responsibilities. Some would disagree with me there.
Doesn't matter. It is what it is.
Riding keeps me from exploding. I think.
Yesterday I went for a nice long ride, mixing trails and roads, getting into the woods and alone. There were a few points where I just yelled at the top of my lungs in joy and frustration in equal measure.
I'm frustrated that the freedom I find on the bike, the strength and ability to be just who and what I am haven't translated into the rest of my life. When I am on the bike there is no one telling me that I am wrong. Every move I make is the move I should make, the move I have to make and there isn't the kind of over analysis of every facet that comes so often in my daily life. And I never worry about pissing someone off or worry that I am wrong. And I hate to be wrong. No, that's not it. I don't mind being wrong. I hate being told I am wrong when I'm not. I hate being told what I am thinking and feeling by someone else.
When I'm on my bike all that shit is lifted from me. But I still can't find the words to speak truth to power in the rest of my life. The power of biking seems walled off from the rest of my life in some way.
It's like I am too scared to just step up and do the hard/painful/right thing to ensure happiness because I worry too much that it will cause someone else's unhappiness.
Maybe I need a shrink?
I don't know. I only know that my head is in a lot of places right now and that I've probably ruined a lot of lives through my inaction or my inability to open myself up. More psycho babble.
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